Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Reactions and Rejection

Some times I am not quite sure how to put my feelings and actions into words.  Since I started this new blog I've never experienced so much resistance from people who are not Christians.  They read my posts and then they find it appropriate to tell me if I am feeling this "down" than I must not have any faith in my God.  I've been told that I just need to tell others about my true feelings instead of a blog.  Hello, these are my true feelings!!!  Writing is just an avenue in which I feel most expressive when it comes to my gifts.  And to retract an earlier posting about not knowing what my gifts are.  Well I know I was created to share my life experiences with others.  I love writing so if I can help or encourage just 1 person then my job is done.

As a child of God I find it very important (and wise) not to gossip or slander others in my life because I'm having a moment of anger or discontentment.  Feelings can be very fleeing and I don't want to be just living in the flesh holding onto anger or unforgiveness.  I know I've mentioned it but I live with Galations 5: Life by the Spirit posted at home so I become aware of how my actions are lining up with the flesh vs. the spirit.

It does not matter what obstacles are thrown in my path I will always pursuit God with all my mind, body, and soul.  No lies, tricks, or negative comments will stand in the way of pursuing my beloved Abba!!!

Thursday, April 19, 2012

The Garden of Eden

Can you imagine was it must of been like to be Adam and Eve knowing you were being forced out of the Garden of Eden never to return again?  The thought alone overwhelms me.

We all have faced this "Garden "of Wholeness, Perfection and of Innocence.  Only to find out you are being forced to leave because of someones actions.

This idea of leaving the Garden is so frightening it makes me sick.  Like so physically sick I have to stop reading, to listening, praying, etc.  I believe that is where the proverbial wall has laid it's foundation separating us from the freedom, the comfort, and the love we can find in God.

It was the beginning of this horrific separation and oneness with God.  Knowing HE took care of everything and not worrying.  Total comfort!!  There was no fear because God was always there like an army ready for battle.  Knowing He would always be the Victory!

There is no place as perfect, as loving, as comforting as when we are in constant communion with our Heavenly Father.

However, what happened when Adam and Eve left the Garden of Eden and also what consequences are we facing today because of it?  There are a lot of similarities with the Garden of Eden and our comfort of things like our parent's home.  Some of us  may say that was our Garden.  Of course nothing can ever replace the real Garden of Eden.  For those of us who say our Garden of Eden was the comfort and loving life of a parents house or what we thought was a loving life.  How are you able to walk away from this Garden?  Do you want the closeness you once had with God or are you content with walking away and never turning back?

I Deserve!

What do you feel like you deserve?  I constantly hear the selfish words "I deserve..." coming out of peoples mouths.  I am no better I have moments where I think I deserve something I do not have.  However, that is exactly the problem in our society of takers.  We are taught in The Bible not to covet what we do not have.  I find myself constantly teaching my son this lesson when he tells me he wants some new toy he sees another child playing with.

I hear the words "I deserve" from a lot of adults and sadly most of them are my Christian friends.  I am going to be brutally honest when I tell you in love that you were not born into this life to "deserve" a certain lifestyle society deems good.  Is it fair for us as children of God to demand that we deserve a better situation, spouse, friend, or even child?  

Mahatma Gandhi once said, “Be the change that you wish to see in the world.”  

Are we treating people the way we want to be treated or are we just taking and expecting more?

We all face disappointments but that does not mean we should turn around and start commanding others to do things you want.   As a person who decides to live with using my heart before my brain I am saddened we treat our dear Brothers and Sisters this way.  We were born to serve Christ first of all and to follow His commands.

Matthew 16:24 says, "Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me."

Sunday, April 15, 2012


Today Isaac and I tried out a new church.  It is a very large church for our area so I was surrounded by a lot of people but honestly I have never felt so alone.

Moving 3,000+ miles to our current home has been some what of a culture shock.  We lived on an island that felt more like an isolated Asian country far removed from the average American life.  It was a culture shock when we moved to that island and now I'm experiencing another culture shock.  It's weird I cannot just go get some of my favorite Pho Ga on a rainy day.  It's also weird that everyone I talk to speaks English as their first language.

I sometimes feel alone because I don't have friends here yet.  Other times I feel so alone within the body of Christ.  I feel like I don't fit in anywhere.  It's especially hard to explain when people notice how much I stand out in their community and they know I'm not from here.  I don't fit in a nice little package of what a nice Christian woman is.  I have my own style and I'm not about conforming to fashion in order to fit in.  God made me different, very different.  Both in the Spiritual/Intellectual and Fashion sense.

Honestly, my home is technically I suppose where I was born (Michigan) but that does not feel like home either.  It never really has.  I always felt like the black sheep of the family.  One of my Aunts has wanted me to come home and get into a normal life routine but in actuality that will never happen.  You can't cage a bird who wants, who NEEDS to fly.

Societies view of normal was not my idea of normal.  I didn't like the "normal" I saw so I wanted to created my own normal.

People think I am crazy for following my heart but I don't care at this point.  I'd rather be seen as crazy but have a purposeful life given to me by God than to live a stagnant life that leads to unhappiness, discontentment, and pretty much living in the Flesh as stated in Galatians 5.

Galatians 5:16-26

16 So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. 
17 For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever[c] you want. 
18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.
19 The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; 20 idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 
21and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 
24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 
25 Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit. 
26 Let us not become conceited, provoking and envying each other.

Following my heart, my love of Jesus Christ is the only way I want to live.  I want to love as it states above loving in the Spirit and not the flesh.
"He told them, "The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field."  (Luke 10:2)

Lord, Break My Heart for What Breaks Yours

Why are there only certain people that are begging God to be broken for what breaks His heart?  Why are there certain people who want to be aware of someone else's pain in order to love them with the love Jesus Christ has given us?

There is a song "Give me Your Eyes" that has these lyrics: "Give me love for humanity, Even those far beyond my reach."

How can God break our hearts so we can see how much humanity needs love in their lives.  The second statement speaks volumes as well.  "Even those far beyond my reach"...You must be a dedicated lover and follower, disciple, desperate child of God to know how precious these sweet words mean.  You must have enormous faith in order to realize the probability of reaching others far beyond our own reach.  As Christians though we know nothing is out of reach for God.  Thankfully all things are possible with Him.

For me God had to break me in such a deep way (this is after being "saved") so that I could have a softened heart towards others who need to know how others care for them and more importantly how our Saviour, Jesus Christ, loves them.  We live in a world that is full of people living barren lives in the midst of what they see as just a busy life.

Most of the time it takes our own heart breaking and God remolding it in order for our heart to be sensitive to the real issues in life.

My encouragement to you today is to ask someone, anyone, how you can pray for them today.  It doesn't matter if they are Christians or Atheists or whomever you may run into.  Just extend the invitation.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Feelings of the Flesh

I find myself getting angry with those around me (and even people I don't know).  It's not that they even did anything to make me mad.  I am mostly mad at myself.  Mad that I am not where I think I need to be.  Honestly, at times I don't even know the gifts God has given me.

The only thing remotely close is writing.  Am I talented?  I would have to say no and that is what gets me angry.  I feel like I have to prove myself to be good in the eyes of society.  Even though society did not even give me this gift they have the ability to tear it apart.

Looking for a job has been frustrating especially as a single Mom.  I didn't even want to be a single Mom in the first place.  I follow God's commands and divorce had no place in my plans.

I have frequent thoughts about how long it's been since I held my last job.  Granted I have some solid work experience in the law field but that was over 5 years ago.  It would be awesome to just be able to write for the church as a living but I'm not sure how they could happen.  I don't have the degrees it takes to have a job like that.  I'm stressed out because I'm the one that has to care for my son.  I am the one having to think about how am I going to put a roof over our heads and put him through school.  I just want more DANG IT!!!!  I know God has the perfect plan for our lives.  I'm just getting antsy.

It reminds me of the time I was homeless.  Yes that's right I was once homeless.  When you are homeless you experience some tough emotions.  People don't even look at you as a person.  Sometimes it felt like I was nonexistent, not worth much, can't contribute to society, and was dependent on help from others.  Thank the Lord that did not last long but the feelings from that experience I will remember forever.

That pain of rejection was hard to take at the time but now I feel like I'm going through a different form of that.  I am attending school to finish my Bachelors Degree but until I have it most employers won't look twice at me.  I'm facing the fact that I have got to find a place to live SOON and furthermore, I need a job to get there.

Another observation I've made is how much people do not care about one another.  Now I am lucky to have a couple of really great people in my life but other than that people have this, "Not my problem" mentality.  Seriously, do we need a refresher course on the teachings of Apostle Paul??

Finally, I am mad at myself because I have preached on the principle that God is the only thing I need.  That I just need His love for survival.  It's true we need His love and His strength to survive and to cope.  However, these past couple of weeks have taught me how crucial it is to fellowship with other brothers and sisters who have gone through similar things in life.

We have two choices:  1.)  We can build each other up OR  2.) Tear each other down.  What are your actions saying to people??

Also, are we loving others like they need us to??  We were called to serve one another and it deeply pains me to see Christians, our own brothers and sisters, in pain because they think the body of Christ doesn't love or even like them.  Lets not forget we were also called to love one another.  We should not wait until we "feel" the love from Christ in order to share it with others.

As a society are we practicing unconditional love like Jesus teaches us to do??  Or are we putting conditions on our love based on our wants?

Monday, April 9, 2012

The Pursuit

The Pursuit of God-What does it mean to Pursue?

Not just seeking God but pursuing Him like a cop pursues a "suspect".  A cop is not just seeking--but is active with his pursuit.  He will not stop until he is successful in his "capture".  Shouldn't we all be in an active pursuit of God?

Like a treasure hunter we should be so wrapped up in pursuing God that it consumes us.  At least that is what I want.  In seeking Him I can learn His truth--His way (Bible knowledge) but by pursuing Him, HE becomes my love--my main focus.  His word transforms me from the inside out.  Where some may call me radical about God or even addicted to God--I'd rather be addicted to God in whom I have eternal life than addicted to things of this world which are superficial and only leave me searching.

This pursuit of God fills the void in my heart that longs for unconditional love.  A void that I once thought only my earthly parents could fill.  Now I know that void was the love--the longing--I have for my Heavenly Father--my Abba and more importantly the love He has for me.

The love He has for us is what drives our pursuit.  A.W. Tozer refers to this as prevenient grace--in order for us to pursue Him, He must of pursued us first.  Our Heavenly Father must love each one of us so greatly it goes beyond what we can comprehend or even put into words in a way that can describe His never-ending and unconditional love for us.

Are you seeking God or are you pursuing Him??  I was motivated to ask myself this question because I am in the middle of a book called The Pursuit of God by A.W. Tozer.

One of the study questions is "What does being a Christian mean"?  What classifies you as being a "Christian"?  After much thought and prayer being a Christian is much more than just proclaiming your belief in God.  To me it consists of three things:

1.)  By having a heart that seeks God with all I am.
2.)  Surrendering to HIS will.  As Proverbs 16:9 states, "In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines his steps."
3.)  Allowing God to mold me.  

It is more than a prayer of salvation that we call ourselves Christians.  It is an action of the heart to decide to turn away from the "old self" and live in the new creation God has for us.  As Ephesians 4 starting in verse 17 is titled: Instructions for Christian Living and in some version it is called "Children of the Light".  When we apply these principles to live as children of the light we are no longer living with bitterness, rage, anger, brawling, slander, and malice but instead strive to be kind, compassionate, loving, and forgiving.

So again are we just "seeking" God like we seek to enjoy great food?  Dictionary.com defines seek as:
  • to go in search or quest of: to seek the truth.
  • to try to find or discover by searching or questioning.
  • to try to obtain.
  • to try or attempt 

Or are we pursuing God like a detective who searches for a suspect?  The definition of pursuing is:

  • an effort to secure or attain; quest.
  • any occupation, pastime, or the like, in which a person is engaged regularly.
And that brings me to another question.  Why do we pursue things, God?

We seek to satisfy an emptiness in our soul.  An emptiness The Psalms says that was put there on purpose by God.  An emptiness so deep nothing can satisfy it except God himself.  Of course it is not just His love we seek but His guidance, and His Forgiveness.

Sunday, April 8, 2012


Do you ever feel like you get on a roll with your daily routines and habits but then you have to do something like leave the state for a few days and put everything on hold at home to take care of this other thing.

That is what I recently had to do.  I was comfortable, well as comfortable as one can get living in a new place for 2 weeks.  Then I had to leave for a few days.  I got into a routine and it was peaceful.  I really looked forward to the evenings because that meant peace and quiet.  My son would be sleeping and I could focus on God.  I would listen to Christian music, reflect on what's going on in my own life, then do some writing on the whole process.

This little 2 day trip screwed it all up.  I was not in my comfort zone to accomplish the aforementioned.  And boy did it make me uneasy.

Now I'm back at home attempting to get back into the "groove" of life again.  Tonight I am finding myself being frustrated because it feels different.  I really have no reason to be frustrated.  It's odd.  Does that mean God has something BIG planned for me or am I just having a hard time adjusting again??

Only time will tell.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Kindred Spirits

Do you ever have that feeling after talking to someone or hearing a conversation that the words (maybe even their testimony) speaks right to your heart?  I've had that experience lately.  It's so "in my face" I sometimes want to run in the opposite direction.  Not because this person isn't a great speaker or writer.  It is just so real.  My heart fills up with so much emotion I can barely take any more.  It is like someone reading your life from a book you never knew existed.  Furthermore, it is like they know what's on your heart and they are vocalizing it in ways you have only dreamed of.

I feel very similar to when God led me to Psalm 139.  That Psalm saved my life and after reading it I knew God was right there with me because no one else would of known the feelings I had been going through.

Our testimonies are so powerful and it is a wonderful thing to share with one another because it does develop a bond between brothers and sisters of God.  Now I am no fool I know the light from these people I feel I have a kindred heart with, are actually being used by God in a marvelous way.

I am just blown away by the clarity in which I see and feel these things.

"God formed us for His pleasure, and so formed us that we as well as He can in divine communion enjoy the sweet and mysterious mingling of kindred personalities" -A.W. Tozer

Wednesday, April 4, 2012


For those of you who don't know me I recently moved to a new town (a few thousands of miles away) to be near family.

Today I realized how much security I do not have.  I do not value security like society does.  At times I feel very alone and not really sure where God will lead me.

We just flew into town last week so the shock of this is where we will be living from now on is still fresh.  I do not have any friends here.  I am going to have to work very hard to get connected with other Christian people.  When you are taken from you comfort circle in a rather abrupt way it makes you scared and it can be very easy to resort to your "old self" ways.

I am also moving from spending the past 5 years as a stay at home Mom to having to work full time.  Writing out my resume the other day made me realize how many skills I do not have that potential employers look for.  I am finishing up my degree at a local Christian University which I know is something God has been leading me to for years but it took me a while to realize it.  I may be unemployed but I know I am leading a life full of purpose when I'm walking with God and not away from Him.

I have a deep desire to help other people, to teach others, about applying The Bible to their life.  So for now I will stick to writing about what is on my heart.

"Thou hast formed us for Thyself and our hearts are restless till they find rest in Thee." -A.W. Tozer

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

A New Creation

How did God know the only way we would feel totally transformed is if we started from scratch again?  When the Bible talks about how we are a new creation in Christ Jesus He is not talking about it in a literal sense.  More specifically we are not re-born to our earthly mothers but reborn spiritually.  However, I think it's an interesting concept.  When we want to start a new adventure, a new relationship, or just a new way of life we use this term of starting over.

What does that look like to you??  Some people see it as a chance to get rid of all their earthly possessions and just buy new that coincides with their new life.  Others may not view this earthly possessions more than just things they need so they do not feel as tied to them emotionally.  What kind of person are you in this scenario?

I find myself in the middle.  I am not tied to any particular item.  Yes they would be nice to have so I won't have to go out later and rebuy it.  However, some people feel a deep sentimental value to that item and want to get rid of that item because they think it will get rid of the memory.

Whether that person destroys their own personal property because they think it will help them heal or cleanse their life of a particular person--I find it odd myself they think by getting rid of a physical decor that they will feel better and have closure over that relationship.

What is most important is the condition of the heart.  I believe the Bible wants you to be willing