I find myself getting angry with those around me (and even people I don't know). It's not that they even did anything to make me mad. I am mostly mad at myself. Mad that I am not where I think I need to be. Honestly, at times I don't even know the gifts God has given me.
The only thing remotely close is writing. Am I talented? I would have to say no and that is what gets me angry. I feel like I have to prove myself to be good in the eyes of society. Even though society did not even give me this gift they have the ability to tear it apart.
Looking for a job has been frustrating especially as a single Mom. I didn't even want to be a single Mom in the first place. I follow God's commands and divorce had no place in my plans.
I have frequent thoughts about how long it's been since I held my last job. Granted I have some solid work experience in the law field but that was over 5 years ago. It would be awesome to just be able to write for the church as a living but I'm not sure how they could happen. I don't have the degrees it takes to have a job like that. I'm stressed out because I'm the one that has to care for my son. I am the one having to think about how am I going to put a roof over our heads and put him through school. I just want more DANG IT!!!! I know God has the perfect plan for our lives. I'm just getting antsy.
It reminds me of the time I was homeless. Yes that's right I was once homeless. When you are homeless you experience some tough emotions. People don't even look at you as a person. Sometimes it felt like I was nonexistent, not worth much, can't contribute to society, and was dependent on help from others. Thank the Lord that did not last long but the feelings from that experience I will remember forever.
That pain of rejection was hard to take at the time but now I feel like I'm going through a different form of that. I am attending school to finish my Bachelors Degree but until I have it most employers won't look twice at me. I'm facing the fact that I have got to find a place to live SOON and furthermore, I need a job to get there.
Another observation I've made is how much people do not care about one another. Now I am lucky to have a couple of really great people in my life but other than that people have this, "Not my problem" mentality. Seriously, do we need a refresher course on the teachings of Apostle Paul??
Finally, I am mad at myself because I have preached on the principle that God is the only thing I need. That I just need His love for survival. It's true we need His love and His strength to survive and to cope. However, these past couple of weeks have taught me how crucial it is to fellowship with other brothers and sisters who have gone through similar things in life.
We have two choices: 1.) We can build each other up OR 2.) Tear each other down. What are your actions saying to people??
Also, are we loving others like they need us to?? We were called to serve one another and it deeply pains me to see Christians, our own brothers and sisters, in pain because they think the body of Christ doesn't love or even like them. Lets not forget we were also called to love one another. We should not wait until we "feel" the love from Christ in order to share it with others.
As a society are we practicing unconditional love like Jesus teaches us to do?? Or are we putting conditions on our love based on our wants?